Excluded from a table because of my identity - Looking for perspectives

General/Looking For Group
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Hello everyone,

I am fairly new to this community. For the past six months I’ve been DMing for my family, but I haven’t been very active here until now. I want to share a negative experience I recently had and hear your thoughts about it.

In short: I was excluded from a table, before ever meeting anyone in person, because of my identity as an Israeli Jew.

First, let me clarify my intentions. I am not here to attack anyone or to portray individuals in a bad light. For that reason, I will not mention names. My only wish is to raise the issue, hear perspectives from this community, and understand whether this is a space where such experiences can be addressed constructively, as I do wish to avoid incidents like this one in the future.

Here is what happened (from my perspective): I was in touch with a DM who was forming a new table. After some back-and-forth and gathering of players, I was confirmed for the upcoming session zero. Shortly after, I received a message saying that the group size had to be reduced and I would no longer be included. This was strange, since I had been one of the first to join.

When I asked for clarification, the DM told me: “I’ve heard some complaints about some of the public things you do, and I had to make a choice to make sure everyone is comfortable at the table.”

For context: I have been living in Austria since 2010. I am not a public figure. I run a small dance school in Vienna and have a small podcast about contemporary dance. My guess is that, since I use my real name here, someone recognized it as Israeli and decided they were uncomfortable with me being at the table.

I asked the DM if we could talk, or if there was a way to address concerns directly so we could all play together. Instead, the DM dismissed the idea and told me I would not be included.

To me, this feels deeply misaligned with the spirit of D&D: a game that encourages inclusion, collaboration, and good faith.

In practical terms, the impact is not dramatic—I will look for another table. But personally, it was painful. I have a history with exclusion, and this experience affected me more than I expected.

I would appreciate hearing what others in this community think about this situation.

Thank you for reading, Matan

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Hi Matan,

Nice to virtually meet you. Sorry to hear about that. Did that happen in this group?

Without knowing the precise background here, if this is the bottom line:

… then this is appalling.

Sending you a PM with a request for details as well as an invitation. We’re playing tonight if you’re free.

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Maybe it has nothing to do with your nationality and more to do with your podcast preaching the good middle balance between conservatives and progressists and applying for what seemed like an openly LGBTQ+ table. It’s just the first thing I found in 5 minutes so… :woman_shrugging: who knows what they else they found

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I didn’t apply to an openly LGBTQ table. It least there was nothing in the invitation nor the discussion on discord to indicate that it was. Having that said, personally I don’t care nor with to exclude anyone, regardless of their identity. Be it based on nationality, religion, sexual orientation or anything else.

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This is quite a sensitive/loaded topic :confused: To play the devil’s advocate here, what your DM says doesn’t correlate to your conclusion? Now, I do think the DM should explain or elaborate to you privately what happened as opposed to just leaving things as they are without further discussion. Can be an uncomfortable situation for both parties no doubt, but better than leaving it as is.

Is there anything more concrete that made you think it could be for this reason? Tracing the reason to your name alone can be quite uncertain. I’d like to think people don’t go out of their way to research name origins to determine who their players are. Disagreements in opinions on minor things can very well happen and can still determine whether people want to play together or not.

This being said, I don’t want to discredit or diminish the fact that you are hurt. I do just hope for the sake of everyone that it’s a misalignment of minor values as opposed to outright discrimination. At the end of the day, it sounds like it’s a good thing you guys are not playing together - doesn’t seem like a good fit and I’m sure you’ll still be able to find plenty of folks around here that will vibe well with you.

Edit: I would say that having a podcast and a YouTube channel where you actively post, does qualify you as a public figure.

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Hi Matan!

Sorry to hear about this experience. Being excluded from something, especially if you’re really looking forward to it, is always tough.

I think this is some difficult terrain we’re encountering here.

  • As a DM of a private table / campaign, my aim is to make the game happen repeatedly and if possible for a long time. In building a D&D group, people will be excluded - that’s just part of the process of finding a group that vibes.

  • I want long-term and drama free commitment. What you’re describing sounds like table drama before the game has even started, which leads me as a DM to believe that the game won’t last or won’t be fun, or both.

  • I myself would not see it as my job to make sure strangers who haven’t played together before get along - I would just go for people who get along. Life is complicated enough, we play to have fun. If there’s a reason to believe a conversation would change anything, I might still try to have it, depending on headspace and time, but it’s not a given. I’m not a justice fighter, I want to leave behind reality and dive into a fantasy realm.

  • I do think perhaps the conclusion that you summarized, that you were asked to leave because of your identity, doesn’t match what you were told by the DM. Going by what you wrote here, it sounds like the group disagreed with opinions you were voicing (assuming the public things is the podcast), and would have likely excluded anyone voicing those opinions, no matter their origin.

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Things like these happen from time to time especially if you are in this hobby for a while, i highly doubt however that it had anything to do with your identity. That is a big reach. They were probably full or didn´t want to bother with drama or whatever conflicting viewpoints you were bringing to the table. Can someone post some info to see what exactly Matan does that would give the DM pause?

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I am sorry but your tone is very dismissive. The table wasn’t full and I was already invited to play but was excluded after being invited initially. They still accept people. I asked the DM for the reason and when they wrote something a bit ambiguous i insisted to have more clarity and they didn’t deny what I wrote ( my concerns regarding me being Israeli Jew). And what I do for my living has nothing to do with that nor it should be. I, like probably many others, want to play DnD in order to dive into a fantasy world. But somehow, I am being reminder of ‘problematic’ place of origin. I ask you not minimise it.

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Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I appreciate your attempt to shed light and bring nuance. I agree with almost everything you mention - it is indeed not the DM responsibility and less drama is better.

I also fully agree with the wish to avoid unnecessary crusades (unless dragons are involved) and that is exactly my point - we were gathering to play a fantasy game and instead I was being reminder that my place of origin is making another person uncomfortable and for that, I should be excluded.

Why would another player care to check my online content (which is mostly dance related anyhow) if not for my background? I didn’t express my opinions at all in this context - simply reached out with the he wish to be a part.

I don’t want to victimise myself for no reason. I do have some other point for why I suspect that my exclusion is rooted in that reason.

But as you said, it is probably for the best. I wrote this post mostly to feel the vibe here and to judge how people react to this story as I do not want to find myself in another situation like that.

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It is what it is. They didn´t want you there for whatever personal reason, to think its because you are Israeli is ludicrous. For now, try and find other sessions, and not let this drag you down.

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Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my post.

I agree with you — there is indeed a gap between what the DM explicitly wrote and the conclusion I drew. I don’t usually jump to such conclusions lightly, and I always try to approach things with open communication. But you are right to point out that distinction.

To be clearer about why I reached this interpretation:

  1. In the Discord server, I noticed that one player had a Palestinian flag on their profile. I remember thinking, “I hope no one will make an issue out of me being Israeli,” but then I dismissed the thought.
  2. After I was removed, I directly asked the DM if it had anything to do with me being an Israeli Jew. He chose to avoid answering this question.
  3. Since I am completely new here — never attended an event, and only recently started reaching out in search of a group — I find it strange that anyone would have complaints about my “public” activities. I’m not a celebrity; I’m practically anonymous here. The only “public” detail I’ve shared is my real name. I haven’t voiced political opinions, nor talked about my professional life. So why would there be “complaints” about me at all?

If the DM had been more transparent, I wouldn’t be left with these doubts. Maybe the reason for my exclusion isn’t me being an Israel. Who know? But realistically, even if it is indeed for that reason, who would ever write openly online that they don’t want me at their table because of my Israeli background? Very few people would admit exclusion based on identity.

I also agree with you that perhaps it’s ultimately for the best. But I was surprised at how painful it felt. Such a small and seemingly silly thing — yet it really affected me emotionally.

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Hey, that sounds really frustrating. Maybe don’t give it too much thought. These days, everything’s so polarized because of world events, and unfortunately it even bleeds into hobbies, even fantasy RPGs, when it really shouldn’t. I hope you find a group where you feel welcome and can just enjoy the game.

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I am really sorry to hear that. This must have felt awful.

I also really hope that you will find a nice group where you will feel welcome :slight_smile:

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